I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
