No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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