Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
