I'd wear matching sweaters with you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
