Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
