you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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