Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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