Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
