Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
