I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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