does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I think my fart just growled at me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
