You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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