i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
