smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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