Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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