I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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