So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
