tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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