I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
