I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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