Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
