I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
