i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sober January is a disaster.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
