Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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