The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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