I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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