and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
