Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Houston, we have a squirter
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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