just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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