Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
