Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
barbara walters just said penis...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
