Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
