Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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