I didn't shave. On purpose
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i now understand why vodka
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
