fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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