Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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