I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Randomize
