I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
