Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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