No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
