I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
