maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
