I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
