Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
