she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
