I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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