Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
