you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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