I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
