So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
