while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
