my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
