worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
